random thoughts

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

was feeling rather out of sorts today. guess i can contribute it to pms. haha. isnt it so convenient for us woman to push all the mood swings, the bad temper to pms??


but feeling much better nw aft taking a jog. exercising and sweating always makes me feel better, more refreshed. laughing all the way home helped too.


hw to avoid mood swing? sometimes it just seeps in. especially at times when u are alone, and have nothing to do. it just creeps in silently and fills your mind with all the doubts, questions, frustrations and sometimes sadness.



and maybe that is y i detest being alone. momo commented that i am the type of person who cant bear loniless. momo knows me best so she must be right up till a certain extend. but i wanna prove her wrong. i must learn to be independent. i must learn to do things alone. i must learn not to rely on pple.


is learning to shop alone, dine alone, watch movie a form of independence?? will i be happier if i managed to conquere all of the above?



my life is finally back to normal, no more dramatic happening. but i guess i still need time to recover. but im definately much happier than before.





everyday i go to office and see a peculiar sight. i will see irene (executive) toking to my manager in the following manner.


I: elvin, have u done this?? have you done that?? have u informed the supp abt this??

E: errr, no i haven. i call them nw.

I: u better call them now. and dun jus call, send email. and tell them blah blah blah.


and i wonder - who is the manager?


and i also realised that in order for my current project (though its already in a bloody mess because of E), i need to be like irene. instead of he taking charge of the project management, we have to do it ourself and dictate what he should do in his authority.


but i am not really up to the standard to really take charge of a whole project. esp when the project is in a mess of shit.


throughout my working life, i have been pressured, have been dissapointed, have my fair shareof ups and downs. but i have NEVER thought of giving up work (to quit and not work completely) before till i work under him.


what a motivating boss i have.




matts hoo haa has exhausted me mentally. it has also caused me not to trust my own judgement and decisions anymore. i have betrayed myself and i nw believe everything is only for the moment. or mayb everything revolving me is only momantarily.


and i dun dare make decisions. nowadays seems like im always doing something while my mind is thinking the other. the emotional and logical side of me are at odds. most of the time in the past, the logical side will win hands down. till now


they are fighting everyday and debating over every single decision or move i make.





PK incident has crushed my ego completely. it has thought me the hard way not to be too confident abt myself. i thought i am ready for the game but i am not and in the end suffered a complete defeat. my only falling grace is that i managed to get away looking unharmed.


yes, i have a big ego. sometimes i think if i have an ego problem. i guess this big ego of mine is where all the KL-ness is churned. so at least something good out of it.




mayb wat power said is right. i have lost my zest. what happened to all the plans and activities that i said i want to do aft i regained my freedom? why am i not doing anything to enjoy this freedom which i have fought so hard for? shouldnt i cherish it more?


another case of emotion vs logic. sad.



somebody commented i am very pessismistic. and all teh while i thought i was an optimistic person. did i change over time w/o my own knowledge or wat?? i wonder.



all these thoughts will be trapped and will stay in the blog forever and will never be able to escape and reach my brain.



the above are all loads of CRAP and BULL SHIT.

Clatzz reflected on 1:39 AM