finding myself

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

shit!! chris just asked me to brief him on the cost savings progress on hte hearse cover and mount projects. but i haven even started on anything yet!! bloody shit. sometimes i dunno what im doing 8 hrs a day in this office. im wasting my time and not contributing at all.

i think im going thru a quater life (cause im tooo young to term it mid life). im begining to question myself on what i want in my life and what i have acheived so far and i realise that i have todate, acheived nothing. and i dunno what i want wif my life eithher. everyday, i jus go thru the routine of going to work. in work, i am not satisfied as well. im in such low morale that i just sit in office and look bz for most of the time. my email to chris abt my increment was read. but there has been no reply though chris was talking abt profit sharing and all that stuffs. but that is not the point. show me the real $$. i have once dreamt that by 25, i'll be able to apply for a credit card MYSELF. now, im just 1 year away from the targetted age, but my salary is way below the required mark.

everyday i just live life for the sake of living. i find no real joy in anything. i felt that im wasting my time, wasting my youth. we should make the most out of our lives while we are young cause this is the period where we are most energetic, most passionate about life and most driven. but why am i so unmotivated?? so sick and tired??

i have no motivation, no goal. i think changing a job will help me. so i am actively searching for a job now. but when i started my active searching, i realise that my market value might not be as high as i thought all the while. i dip is out phased already. i have no real experience manufacturing/electronics industry. i have no knowledge of any procurement software. suddenly, i started to think: should i continue to pursue a career as a buyer?? but if i dun, then i dun even have experience in other area.

when i first graduated from poly, i was very clear that i want to go further studies to obtain a deg in engineering. i scrimp and save so that i can afford the school fees. but after working for 4 years, i have dropped my further studies plan. i still wanna study, but i dun even know what course i wanna take!! management?? materials studies?? maketing?? i really have no idea which course is the most beneficiary. i dun wanna take a course, get the cert which is useless to my career advancement. so i have to be sure of what i want in my career before i can really sit down and decide on a course.

but the problem is: I DUN KNO WHAT I WANT!! nothing motivates me anymore. i am getting headaches more often. the only time i dun get headache is when i sleep. i feel sleepy most of the time. even though i have enough sleep. like today morning, i woke up at 8. surprisingly, i dun feel sleepy aft i woke up. but when i wanna force myself out of bed, my body suddenly became very heavy and i suddenly felt "very very tired" and my eyes cant open. everything has became a routine, everything has became a chore.

so is it me?? or is it my current that is bringing me down?? what if it is me. basically me, my problem. and with a new job, i am still the same. i told myself that i need to chant, to find my mission, my direction in life. though i know the solution, but i am too lazy to do it too. am i plain lazy or what. i am not even enthusiastic to help myself. i am getting very disillusionised by myself. i dun kno who i am anymore and i hate the now me. and i hate myself that i cant be bothered to do something abt it. which means, my laziness actually surpass my frustrations, my intentions to help myself up from this lump.

i really should start doing something about myself.

*u have a mission, urs alone. i have a mission, only i can fulfill it.*

Clatzz reflected on 1:01 PM